April has come and gone!

I'm not sure when I started counting down, but as I understand it, there are only 29 more school days and I am extremely excited to get this year under my belt and in the past.  This has been a challenge for me - personally and professionally - to return to the classroom.  I still do not love it, but I am tolerating it and am thankful to be gainfully employed.  I have a good class and they've put up with me all year - they deserve a gold medal!  I'm looking forward to June.  I am extremely thankful to be working on such a cohesive and fun team of ladies.  We 4 have made some good memories and I've enjoyed planning, reflecting, and preparing science experiments with them.  I couldn't have asked for more. 

We celebrated Dad's 73rd birthday!  He looks great and I've gotten used to his bald head!  He still looks handsome and is doing pretty well.  Of course, he'd never let us kids see any different!  I went and had lunch with him one day I was off school and enjoyed visiting with him.  We all feel very fortunate that he is doing as well as he is.  Still - our miracle man walking.

Spring Break came and went - nothing earth shattering.  I had much of my annual physical done and all looks well.  I'm healthy and that's all that matters.  I saw a few movies with friends, went to the new Smith Center for the Performing Arts to see a play (The Color Purple), and helped a friend with her resume. That was about it!  No hiking this time - was still nursing the foot.  I did go into work and work for 2 days and helped my principal with the CRT testing schedules - I miss that kind of work.

Tuesday nights - for a while now, Sarah and Jackson and I have been getting together for dinner and to just hang out on Tuesday nights while Joel is working.  It gets her out of the house and me to play with that cute baby!  I've enjoyed spending time with them and getting to know Sarah better as an adult.  She'll always be "little Sarah" to me - my very first niece!  She's such a great mom and that baby is the cutest thing ever - I love his laugh and smile. 

I've headed back to the gym some and have been hiking twice now - the foot seems to be handling it well.  I went without any brace for the last week, although I'm still in my tennis shoes for support.  We begin our pre-hikes each Saturday, starting this Saturday, so I'd better be in better shape!  I've got 5 days to whip myself into shape!  I met with my 5 YCLs that will help lead these prehikes and the big backpacking trip in June - they are so cute and so willing to become "leaders."  I hope I can help them develop some leadership skills and stay out of a lot - that's hard for us adults to do sometimes.  We had our big parent meeting on Wed to go over the backpacking trip, what to bring and not to bring, and meet the girls.  It went over pretty well, I think.  Joanne did a great job showing her equipment and giving great advice.

Last Saturday I got to help at the Bleazard's wedding open house with Shan - we helped set out the food and keep it fresh and looking filled all evening.  It was at this amazing home up by the mountain and it was fun to run into people I knew, like Whitney Bleazard - my very own laurel advisor.  Jake is her nephew.  It's fun to see us age...her always ahead of me by 10 years or so!

The BIG news is, that I decided to take in TWO foreign exchange students next year - Solveig from Norway, and Xindi from China.  They are 16 and will be juniors.  I've been in email contact with Solveig this week and it's been fun to forward them on to my friends and family.  I've been preoccupied with all I need to do to get organized and get their room ready.  I think this will be a good learning experience for me as I become a "mom" to teenagers, who, hopefully, like each other most of the time!  I'll post more about that later on.

Gotta run.  That is all.

Back in the Saddle Again

My last post was, well...deep.  Today's will be much lighter, thank goodness!  I have emerged from the winter woes - 3 weeks good now and I'm so happy to be "up" again.  Here are a few random events I want to remember.

Friday Night - Girls' Night Out
My 3rd grade teaching team decided it was time for a girls' night out together.  I've come a long way in my comfort level with them - I'm beginning to chip away at the wall I've kept up between me and them due to my feelings of inadequacy next to them.  We have enjoyed some laughs together in meetings and have done some fun things together.  We met Friday night for dinner at Bambinis and enjoyed some laughs, shared some "enlightening" stories, and tried our hardest NOT to talk shop.  Then we headed over to the movie theater to see "THE VOW."  After passing the tremendously long lines waiting to get into the opening of Hunger Games, we entered a practically empty theater and enjoyed the show.  All in all, it was a good night out and we are planning another one.  There's something about letting your guards down and getting to know each other as people rather than just as teachers that makes it all easier.

Saturday - Temple and Lunch
Shan and I went to the temple Saturday  morning and enjoyed a nice session.  I had a chance to go over some of my ideas for my lesson on Sunday and get her insight and opinion.  We then went to GH for a sandwich and proceeded to spend about 2 hours visiting.  We haven't done that in a very long time and I really enjoyed our conversations.  I have a way of pushing people away while I'm in my 'other self' and I don't think she really knows what to do with me, the poor girl.  So it was nice to be in my 'right self' and visit like old times about all sorts of things.  Her friendship matters to me and I am always grateful for her support.

Sunday - RS lesson
I had the privilege of teaching RS for the presidency on the conference talk "Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time, Without Delay."  It was the shortest talk ever and so I had to incorporate other resources into it.  I used the story of my family's friends - Gaye B and Terressa S - from our Texas days.  My mom sent me a thing she put together based on letters back and forth sharing their experiences of visiting teaching-gone-right.  I interwove some of the talk with a readers' theater style sharing of the 2 ladies' stories and then we talked afterwards about needs of sisters both around us at church as well as those we don't see.  I shared some experiences of when I just moved into the ward 10 years ago and how people brought me in, as a lost single sister in a family ward.  I think it went pretty well - I had several ladies come give me a hug afterwards, so if that's any indication... I enjoy teaching - I think I enjoy the preparation for it even more.  I miss that.

Sunday - Road Trip
My mission comp-trainer, Connerly, and her family have been camping at Valley of Fire for a few days and so I had planned on going up Sunday afternoon to spend the evening with them.  My ankle had been acting up, so I've been wearing the brace all day (right foot...driving foot).  So, because Loralie and I needed to visit about her new assignment as my assistant for the 4th year hike, I asked if she wanted to go for a ride and enjoy some fresh air and dinner...if she would drive me!  She was so willing and I was so grateful.  We had the chance to talk about how she was chosen to step in because the other hike specialist was just put in as YW president in her ward and needed to be released (a whole other story) and share some ideas for the upcoming months of training with the girls.  I'm excited - still optimistic that my foot will heal and I will be on the trails VERY soon.  Anyway, we got to Valley of Fire and had a nice visit with Krystal and her family.  They are such a sweet little family - she has 2 teen daughters and one 7 year old daughter.  Her husband is such an even-tempered, helpful, supportive, funny guy and I think they just make the best couple ever.  We enjoyed some deluxe Hawaiian haystacks and then the girls made cobbler and homemade ice cream by rolling the cans back and forth, singing songs and laughing the whole time.  It really made me wonder if my life had turned out differently, if I would be a camping family like theirs, enjoying their time together in nature.  I was so glad to have gotten to go out there and see her - we met 19 years ago this week in a small village in Guatemala and I've never been the same.

Work Update
I have struggled with being in the classroom and ALL that entails throughout this year.  I am still not in love with it, but I think I've finally come to a point where I don't hate it every day.  I know that sounds sad, but it's been a difficult personal change.  I have learned that I can't do everything perfectly, or even close to it, and that it's OK.  My kids are learning inspite of my reservations and my colleagues have been nothing but supportive.  With thinking about next year, and doing this ALL over AGAIN, new positions are becoming available in the district as coaches and project facilitators.  I have connections that could get me either type of position, but I've made the difficult decision that I am going to remain in the classroom at least 1-2 more years so that I can "perfect my craft" again.  I don't feel that I would be an effective coach or mentor struggling the way I am this school year.  I need to regain my confidence as a good, effective teacher again before I can go help/preach to others.  I have to be able to walk the walk again and gain back my own credibility.  Those close to me that I've told have been surprised, and one was shocked.  But I believe that's the mature thing to do.  I can learn to love it again - I just need to get over myself!  I've enjoyed working with a team of teachers and our principal on school improvement planning goals, etc, as well as creating our budget for the next school year.  I will always enjoy projects like those and am thankful for the opportunity to participate in those activities at the school level.

FIVE days until spring break...and I took today off to catch up!  I can do this, because "I can do hard things."  I've never looked forward to spring break like this year (well, maybe the time I went to Hawaii...but that was looking forward to it for a different reason!)

Dead Woman's Pass

It's been over a month.  That's because I haven't wanted to commit anything to print for a while.  It's been a rough month all over, and that's an understatement.  Let me review my metaphor for this year:  The hike to Machu Picchu.  I knew at the time, that the hike would be symbolic of this current year.  Boy has that come to fruition.  On day 2, we struggled to reach our highest point of the trek - Dead Woman's Pass - at over 14,000 feet.  Our lungs burned, our bodies ached, and our spirits were tired.  But we reached it with pride and a huge sense of accomplishment.  We didn't last there long, as we had to start heading downwards for another 3 hours or so.  After struggling to reach the top, we just wanted to sit down and relax for a moment before heading on.  There was no time and the cold wind was almost unbearable.  So onward we went.  Much of our time was spent alone, spread out, but visible to each other.  We went at our own paces, deep in though and contemplation.  Upon reaching our campsite for our 2nd night on the trail, I was beat up exhausted.  I hit the tent and dozed off for a bit before dinner.  I had reached the point of exhaustion - moreso than ever before in my hiking experiences - to where I could not force myself to eat or drink.  I tried, but could barely get the fork to my mouth and got to the point where I couldn't force myself to chew.  I've never been that tired before.  I recall slouching a bit at dinner, trying to concentrate on the conversations and relishing the experience of what I was currently doing...in South America lost in the Andes.  Even though I was a little uncomfortable, I was never beyond remembering how incredible this experience was and that I was actually doing the hardest thing ever.  I never lost my gratitude or amazement.  The following morning, I arose with a little bounce in my step, but again not being able to eat breakfast.  I had 1 gatorade left and my water bottles - I tried to keep forcing myself to at least hydrate.  We set out of the beautiful green valley (way up high in the clouds) in an upward hike...for hours and hours.  Immediately I knew I was in trouble - I used up the little energy I had from a slice of bread in about 15 minutes.  I had to find energy from somewhere deep down to keep hiking up and up and up - the scenery was beautiful, but this was the most difficult part of the hike for me (and we thought that reaching Dead Woman's Pass was going to be the hardest.)  My friends went on ahead - out of sight for the entire morning.  I spent hours alone (Carlos and Manuel were somewhere behind me...not crowding or rushing me - just staying behind) - alone to contemplate and pray and relish the moments and push and fight.  It took me almost an hour longer than the others to reach the lunch site - atop another peak overlooking 3 incredible different ranges of green mountains. I laid down on a tarp next to a few others to rest.  I was overjoyed to have reached the highest part for the day - the rest was going to be hours of downhill.  I again couldn't eat - (my doctor later told me it was a form of altitude sickness) and so with a few bites and swallows, I decided that I'd head on out ahead of the others to get a head start.  I didn't want to be the last one entering the campsite for night #3.  So I spent most of that day alone and part of me was a little bitter, and part of me was thankful to be experiencing this without the pressure of visiting or keeping up.  The fact of the matter is, those 2 days were the most difficult part of the trek - and I kept contemplating my upcoming school year - as difficult as it was going to be on a number of levels. 

That reflection brings me to today.  This past month.  My experiences these past few months have mirrored those 2 days on the trail to a T.  The uphill climb, the solitude, the exhaustion, the wondering if I could make it, the self-doubt, the lonliness, etc, but I keep waking up each morning (much more comfy than in a tent) and going back for more.  Each day is an uphill battle with my pride, my self-confidence (or lack of), my disappointment for not being better at it, my impatience with the kids, my lack of desire to plan or prepare better, my unwillingness to quit.  Each day I try to be someone I think I might not be anymore - maybe I've outgrown the classroom, but I'm way too emotional and irrational to become an administrator (a good one, at least.)  I won't let myself have those sweet moments of "THIS is why I'm a teacher" or "THAT made all of this worth it."  But I put a smile (or at least a smirk) on my face each day and go back for more - sometimes it's a good day, and sometimes I go for a beating.  I have an overall good class - just a few stinkers who get on my nerves sometimes.  I have an amazing team I get to work with.  But I'm getting tired of teaching, well at least the secretarial work part of it all- I think - like getting tired of hiking after 4 days in a row.  I thought I had hit Dead Woman's Pass a while ago, but seem to keep hitting it - and it doesn't help that I've hurt one foot which triggered major arthritis in the other and is almost unbearable to walk, let alone work out, on.  And my hormones have to be out of whack.  And I caught a cold and lost my voice - all this past month.  I retreated away from people again and went through a severe depression cycle again.  Those who know me know when I'm in the dumps and when I'm looking up at the dumps.  No one knows what to do - I just seem to wait it out alone.  I get very self-centered and selfish.  One foot in front of the other.  Trying to look at the beautiful scenery, but see none sometimes.  Then a few days later, I'm good - happy, joyful, and find things to enjoy and laugh at.  Is this what happens when you turn 40?  Wowza.  I'm not sure what it is I'm hiking toward - Summer?  That's not going to be good enough - because August will come around AGAIN too quickly and I'll be back on this year-long hike all over again.  Hmmmmm.  I'm just not sure.

Unfortunately, the contrast between the hiking trail and this school year comes in the form of my appetite.  On the trail I lost it - couldn't even force myself to eat.  This year, that is definitely not the problem.  I'm using food as alcohol - for a numbing effect, I think.  Although I set the goal to lose another few pounds this year, I'm almost sabotaging myself - when I get depressed, I eat...and then hate myself for it.  At least I don't drink...I'd certainly become an alcoholic - NO doubt.  So, when I hurt my foot, and now the other one, it makes working out unbearable sometimes and other times completely impossible.  The lack of endorphines is taking a toll.  I've GOT to get into shape again to hike this summer - I'm the Hike Specialist for girls' camp - I have EIGHT hikes to go on during May/June to prepare the 4th years for their 3 day backpacking trip (18 miles in Pine Valley, UT).  Me.  Miss "I can't barely walk on these dang feet."  Ironic, isn't it?  Just part of my trek experience of this year.  What will my Machu Picchu at sunrise reward be this year?  Don't know - I just hope I recognize it when I see it.

Junuary - a warm January

BOOT
After 2 1/2 weeks, I've shed the BOOT and have begun walking on the foot and even working out a little.  Never realized how much I'd miss that!  MRI results showed that I did NOT have a stress fracture (thank goodness) and that my lovely cyst was long and narrow.  It's still there, but smaller, and as long as I take care, it may dissipate on its own in time.  Just get me back to the gym and hiking again - and life will seem more balanced!  I'm grateful for tender mercies - the experience could have been much worse! 

WORK
January flew by.  Work keeps me busy, but since I've adopted "adequate," the waves have been much easier to ride.  I'm realizing how much of a perfectionist I am at some things, and how I'm NOT at others.  I didn't know people could be both!  But I'm still very grateful for the ladies with whom I work and my kids who ride my moody waves ok.  I enrolled a girl the first week of Jan who was giving me a run for my sanity money.  I'm not sure I learned what I was supposed to by having her, but she withdrew last week and it's been so much calmer.  She's being raised by a druggie mother and gets moved around quite a bit.  It makes me wonder how she'll ever learn to behave in society and I feel sorry for her.  This world is a crazy place for too many of our kids.

WORST FEAR
An acquaintance died 2 weeks ago.  I knew her from our old stake growing up as well as from the ELL dept.  Renae would always go out of her way to say hello to me at trainings or conferences and update me on her kids (a little younger than me.)  I guess she didn't show up to lead the choir one day at church, and being single, the Bishop sent her hometeachers over to check on her.  Getting the key from a neighbor, they found her dead, having fallen, hitting her head, and that's it.  She lives alone.  The unnerving thing is...that is MY WORST FEAR - how long would it take someone to realize I was missing if something were to happen to me?  If I were to get hurt, and not have my cell phone near me, how long would I suffer before being found, dead or alive?  It's given me lots to think about and I'm trying not to dwell, but....

MORE NEWS
And I got a call this week that Mr. Priest died.  He was the man that my previous school was named after.  I worked there, having opened the school with him, for 7 years.  He was always happy to see me, and asked about my travels.  He traveled the world and shared with me places that I'd just have to see while I'm young.  He understood when it was my time to move on to another school, and was so excited when I'd come back to visit at events and parties.  It's funny, but I'm a little sad to know that he's no longer around.  But, being in his 80s, it was his time to go.  His funeral is this Saturday - of course I'll be there.

CAUCUS
I attended my 2nd republican caucus yesterday.  Last year, it was a well-attended, well-organized, and interesting experience in a good way.  This year, all 3 of those characteristics were opposites.  What an embarrassment.   Unmarked registration lines, no packets for the room leaders, no ballots, and no official anything.  After an hour of waiting around, we finally just got our ballots, voted, and left.  So, tell me how that's different than a Primary?  Our entire room wants the Primaries back - where you can go at your own leisure, vote, and walk out.  This caucus thing was a tremendous waste of time.  I don't get it.

THE JACKSTER
Jackson was blessed today - Joel offered a beautiful blessing to his first son.  What a good man he is - I'm so glad Sarah got snatched up by him years ago.  We had a nice dinner at Kristi's tonight and passed him around.  He's getting big already - really filling out.  I got to babysit him on Tuesday night and had a ball - he was more awake than I'd ever seen him and we cuddled next to the fireplace.  What a blessing he is.

That's it for now.  Can't keep my eyes open - realized I hadn't journaled in a while.  Happy February!

Got "the boot"

Well, well, well.  Gotta say that it's true - you start to fall apart at 40!  Man-o-man.  During Christmas break I had a cyst growing on top of my foot.  It didn't hurt, until it got so big that my tennis shoes bugged it while working out.  SOOO, I went to my doc and she drained the sucka dry...it was full of the thickest gell she'd ever seen and said that I'd probably have to see an Orthopedic guy to have it surgically removed.  So, after about 3 weeks, I start having some strange pain on my foot in that area - a new pea-sized cyst has grown back, but mostly INSIDE - now pressing on a nerve (in my own medical opinion) because I was feeling shooting pain to my toes as well as up my leg - as high as my thigh.  I couldn't sleep for about 4 nights because of the pain/discomfort.  Ibuprophin wouldn't touch it.  I knew I was in trouble.  So, I called and got into see an Orthopod.   I was x-rayed (both feet/ankles) and had a few revelations:
1.  Yes, there is a cyst - that needs an MRI before proceeding.
2.  Did you know you have a stress fracture in that same foot?  That could be causing much of the pain and swelling and "paralysis" of my toes.  So you need to wear a BOOT for the next few weeks and you cannot work out or hike.  (really????)
3.  Oh yeah, you've got arthritis in your feet and in both ankles. 

I was so bummed, and tired, that I went to Sarah and Joel's for the afternoon and held Jackson for about 3 hours!  That made me feel much better (of course, elevating my foot...in the boot...helped, too!)

Monday I went for the MRI - yessiree I saw the cyst monster myself!  Now I just have to wait until next Monday for my follow-up and see where we go from here.  I told them that I have to be back on the hiking trails for sure by the end of February, so we'd better get this thing rolling.  I've got about 10 hikes planned before the big 3-day 20-mile 4th year hike at the end of June...and I wouldn't mind dropping a few more pounds before then!  Just have to get over this ONE little stumbling block....

The "best" part of all this timing is...we just started a Biggest Loser contest at work, with about 20 staff members.  We're on 2 teams (I'm black team) and we weigh in each Friday.  Our percentage lost is posted by name in the lounge.  I lost only 2.2 pounds, but thought that was great considering I did NO cardio that week - only practically starved myself (not really).  This week has been worse and I almost want to be absent on Friday!  Aarrgghh!  But I think this contest will be fun - very motivational and supportive.  It's nice to work with fun people.

Procrastinating Procrastination

So, um, I'm a little (a lot) embarrassed that I have neglected my journal/blog for close to a month.  So much has happened and I've hogged it all to myself.  Not sure I can give any of my memories justice, I will give it a shot.  My resolutions are a topic for another day...that's my way of saying...if I'm still working on them next week, then they'll be something to talk about!!!

CHRISTMAS
Changing it up...yep...after over 25 years, we changed up our Christmas tradition.  Usually, everyone goes to "mom and dad's" for Christmas...driving all 6-10 miles and staying for at least 2-3 days.  Yes, we all live here, but spend Christmas Eve (or more) sleeping at and hanging out at my parent's home.  Santa has always stopped there for both the Wisers and Duncan families, and we've spent hours opening presents Christmas morning...one by one...

Jackson and Koopa

Such a cute mom!

But this year was different.  You see, our family is expanding and changing.  With Sarah and Joel having a baby (our best gift this year!) and everyone getting a little too old to sleep on blow-up mattresses and couches, and having to attend church, we decided to shake things up a bit.  We had Christmas Eve at our parent's home, enjoying baby Jackson (3 days old) for hours into the evening, then we ALL WENT HOME and slept in our own beds!  It was glorious (ADMITTAL:  I have been sneaking home after midnight on Christmas Eve to sleep in my own bed, then wake up early when they call and say people are stirring...then I drive back...it's been about 3 years now...).  Christmas morning I hosted breakfast for my parents and Steven (my brother from Portland area) and then we went to Kristi's ward for church.  They were all singing in their choir presentations.  After that, we all went out to my parents again for "Christmas" - opening of presents, snacking, and pajama pants afternoon/evening.  It was kinda wierd, but I liked it.  The Duncans opened most of their presents at home before church...sooo glad Santa could find their house for the first time!  Again, we enjoyed passing around baby Jackson all afternoon.  Good times.

2 best presents ever!

The best gift of all (besides becoming a GREAT aunt 3 days before Christmas) was the fact that my dad was here to enjoy it all - BALD head and all - he was so cute with the baby and was feeling pretty good.  It's definitely a blessing that we still have him with us, and I'm so glad he's feeling a little better with the chemo treatments.  That could have gone another way...  My dad is a walking miracle and continues to amaze us every day. 

BACK TO WORK

Work.  I went back with a newer, more positive attitude and it has definitely helped.  Hope it lasts a while!  I've gained 4 new girls in one week, so now I have 10 girls and 15 boys.  Much more balanced and nice.  Of course, where to put all of those kids in the room the size of a living room has been a challenge.  ELL testing is over, and ELL tutoring is off the ground (it takes HOURS to set that all up to my standard.)  Lesson plans and assessing loom over me every single week.  I'm just so thankful that I am working where I am, with whom I am, and couldn't have asked for more.  I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

NEW ASSIGNMENT
People may have gone crazy in my stake, but I've been called to be the 4th year hike specialist.  In most stakes, that wouldn't be such a daunting task, but in MY stake, it's HUGE.  I have to provide girls EIGHT pre-hike opportunities to train and condition themselves for the BIG hike in Whipple Canyon outside Pine Valley, UT.  It's about 18-20 miles over 3 days, backpacking FOR REALZ.  No porters or mules to carry the sleeping gear...just ourselves.  I am actually very excited to have something to work towards and have already been hiking both Saturdays of this new year in prep for training.  I kinda knew during and after the Peru hike that I wanted to give the 4th year hike a shot.  I get to work with some great ladies on this task and look forward to exciting the girls about hiking.  If someone who knew me as a girl that age saw me NOW, they'd fall over dead.  I used to do ANYthing to get out of hiking as a young woman.  Now, in my 30s I've learned to not only "do" it, but really enjoy it and look forward to the challenge.  I love being out in nature - especially where it's green. 

OLD AGE SETTLING IN
So, now that I'm in my 2nd month of being 40, I'm seeing some decline in my mental capacities and the arthritis is settling in.  So funny how people say that's what happens... I am such a task-oriented person now - lists and lists to check off or else I can't remember.  My hands and ankles are feeling some arthritis and it may be time to go have another rheumatoid arthritis blood test to see the progress of that lovely disease.  I'm not losing weight as fast as I'd like, and I'm not as consistent with the gym as I used to be.  I MUST get back into that habit in order to train for this summer's hiking adventures.  I'm less patient, less tolerant, etc.  Maybe it's because it's winter and I always fight the winter blues a little - I hate that it gets dark earlier - I seem to think that at 6pm, there's nothing else I can do because it's dark.  All energy, ambition, and lists are left behind.  I need light.  I need Day Light Savings Time or something!