Dead Woman's Pass

It's been over a month.  That's because I haven't wanted to commit anything to print for a while.  It's been a rough month all over, and that's an understatement.  Let me review my metaphor for this year:  The hike to Machu Picchu.  I knew at the time, that the hike would be symbolic of this current year.  Boy has that come to fruition.  On day 2, we struggled to reach our highest point of the trek - Dead Woman's Pass - at over 14,000 feet.  Our lungs burned, our bodies ached, and our spirits were tired.  But we reached it with pride and a huge sense of accomplishment.  We didn't last there long, as we had to start heading downwards for another 3 hours or so.  After struggling to reach the top, we just wanted to sit down and relax for a moment before heading on.  There was no time and the cold wind was almost unbearable.  So onward we went.  Much of our time was spent alone, spread out, but visible to each other.  We went at our own paces, deep in though and contemplation.  Upon reaching our campsite for our 2nd night on the trail, I was beat up exhausted.  I hit the tent and dozed off for a bit before dinner.  I had reached the point of exhaustion - moreso than ever before in my hiking experiences - to where I could not force myself to eat or drink.  I tried, but could barely get the fork to my mouth and got to the point where I couldn't force myself to chew.  I've never been that tired before.  I recall slouching a bit at dinner, trying to concentrate on the conversations and relishing the experience of what I was currently doing...in South America lost in the Andes.  Even though I was a little uncomfortable, I was never beyond remembering how incredible this experience was and that I was actually doing the hardest thing ever.  I never lost my gratitude or amazement.  The following morning, I arose with a little bounce in my step, but again not being able to eat breakfast.  I had 1 gatorade left and my water bottles - I tried to keep forcing myself to at least hydrate.  We set out of the beautiful green valley (way up high in the clouds) in an upward hike...for hours and hours.  Immediately I knew I was in trouble - I used up the little energy I had from a slice of bread in about 15 minutes.  I had to find energy from somewhere deep down to keep hiking up and up and up - the scenery was beautiful, but this was the most difficult part of the hike for me (and we thought that reaching Dead Woman's Pass was going to be the hardest.)  My friends went on ahead - out of sight for the entire morning.  I spent hours alone (Carlos and Manuel were somewhere behind me...not crowding or rushing me - just staying behind) - alone to contemplate and pray and relish the moments and push and fight.  It took me almost an hour longer than the others to reach the lunch site - atop another peak overlooking 3 incredible different ranges of green mountains. I laid down on a tarp next to a few others to rest.  I was overjoyed to have reached the highest part for the day - the rest was going to be hours of downhill.  I again couldn't eat - (my doctor later told me it was a form of altitude sickness) and so with a few bites and swallows, I decided that I'd head on out ahead of the others to get a head start.  I didn't want to be the last one entering the campsite for night #3.  So I spent most of that day alone and part of me was a little bitter, and part of me was thankful to be experiencing this without the pressure of visiting or keeping up.  The fact of the matter is, those 2 days were the most difficult part of the trek - and I kept contemplating my upcoming school year - as difficult as it was going to be on a number of levels. 

That reflection brings me to today.  This past month.  My experiences these past few months have mirrored those 2 days on the trail to a T.  The uphill climb, the solitude, the exhaustion, the wondering if I could make it, the self-doubt, the lonliness, etc, but I keep waking up each morning (much more comfy than in a tent) and going back for more.  Each day is an uphill battle with my pride, my self-confidence (or lack of), my disappointment for not being better at it, my impatience with the kids, my lack of desire to plan or prepare better, my unwillingness to quit.  Each day I try to be someone I think I might not be anymore - maybe I've outgrown the classroom, but I'm way too emotional and irrational to become an administrator (a good one, at least.)  I won't let myself have those sweet moments of "THIS is why I'm a teacher" or "THAT made all of this worth it."  But I put a smile (or at least a smirk) on my face each day and go back for more - sometimes it's a good day, and sometimes I go for a beating.  I have an overall good class - just a few stinkers who get on my nerves sometimes.  I have an amazing team I get to work with.  But I'm getting tired of teaching, well at least the secretarial work part of it all- I think - like getting tired of hiking after 4 days in a row.  I thought I had hit Dead Woman's Pass a while ago, but seem to keep hitting it - and it doesn't help that I've hurt one foot which triggered major arthritis in the other and is almost unbearable to walk, let alone work out, on.  And my hormones have to be out of whack.  And I caught a cold and lost my voice - all this past month.  I retreated away from people again and went through a severe depression cycle again.  Those who know me know when I'm in the dumps and when I'm looking up at the dumps.  No one knows what to do - I just seem to wait it out alone.  I get very self-centered and selfish.  One foot in front of the other.  Trying to look at the beautiful scenery, but see none sometimes.  Then a few days later, I'm good - happy, joyful, and find things to enjoy and laugh at.  Is this what happens when you turn 40?  Wowza.  I'm not sure what it is I'm hiking toward - Summer?  That's not going to be good enough - because August will come around AGAIN too quickly and I'll be back on this year-long hike all over again.  Hmmmmm.  I'm just not sure.

Unfortunately, the contrast between the hiking trail and this school year comes in the form of my appetite.  On the trail I lost it - couldn't even force myself to eat.  This year, that is definitely not the problem.  I'm using food as alcohol - for a numbing effect, I think.  Although I set the goal to lose another few pounds this year, I'm almost sabotaging myself - when I get depressed, I eat...and then hate myself for it.  At least I don't drink...I'd certainly become an alcoholic - NO doubt.  So, when I hurt my foot, and now the other one, it makes working out unbearable sometimes and other times completely impossible.  The lack of endorphines is taking a toll.  I've GOT to get into shape again to hike this summer - I'm the Hike Specialist for girls' camp - I have EIGHT hikes to go on during May/June to prepare the 4th years for their 3 day backpacking trip (18 miles in Pine Valley, UT).  Me.  Miss "I can't barely walk on these dang feet."  Ironic, isn't it?  Just part of my trek experience of this year.  What will my Machu Picchu at sunrise reward be this year?  Don't know - I just hope I recognize it when I see it.