HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Happy Halloween - we went around school all day looking like this today!
I am "Fancy Nancy," a storybook character.  My friend, Cherese (math specialist)
 was the HIT of the entire school ALL day!

My new school does a Monster Math Family Night each year instead of a carnival and last night was quite fun.  Katie came over to help and assisted my transformation into a ratted-out zombie and did a bang-up job!  Here are some highlights:



The transformation begins...
Gettin'  my "hair did"





We either had a VERY long day, or Katie is super-talented!
  You wouldn't BELIEVE how LONG it took to UNrat
our hair!  Holy cow! 

The funniest part of the evening was every 20 minutes or so when the song "Monster Mash" would come on. The kids would run up on the stage to dance with the principal who led all sorts of "Monster" moves.  The kids and parents (and there were LOTS of them) had a great time.  And not ONE piece of candy was seen!   It was nice being 'recognized' finally by many students - that is one thing I have GREATLY missed about my old school these past 2 months - the familiarity and actually, notoriety with the kids and parents.  I'm workin' it hard!  And it was fun to have them know my name, be excited to see me (and my hair), and meet more parents.  Katie had fun running a "body parts" race (wind up parts, that is!)

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A form of "Battleship"

I'm looking forward to Friday OFF (for Nevada Day) and the 2 days of staff development - FIVE whole days without kids!  Woo-hoo... (not that there's anything WRONG with kids...)

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I'm exhausted.  I had a long, uncomfortable week physically and need some rest.  Looking forward to finally kicking my feet up to read "Mockingjay" and maybe the new Nicholas Sparks book, prepping for staff dev day, maybe a massage, and just catching up with everything/one I've neglected for the past month.  And what a month it's been.  Fare-the-well, October.  

So, Happy Halloween everyone,

and Happy Birthday, Nevada. 

Some serious soul spillage...

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." (Emerson)

What if 'what lies within us' scares us?  What if we lean too much on the past and it weakens our ability to focus/function in the present and future? 

This work change has been a great internal struggle for me.  I've been trying to process why/how for the past 2 months and have a few ideas.  What I left and what I have entered are two completely different worlds and I am two completely different people.  Before, I knew EVERYTHING that was going on - every decision, every issue, every event, every teacher's style, strengths and weaknesses, almost every student and their history of 7 years, etc.  I KNEW stuff.  I was involved.  I was valued.  I was needed.  I was busy.  Not to say that all of those was necessarily a positive thing- I was also used and abused.  I fed into it, like a passive agressive battered woman.  And I finally saw it for what it was and had the courage (and many stars aligning just right) to walk away from all that was familiar and comfortable in it's discomfort.  I walked away from friends and a support group.  I miss my office in the busy hallway, having teachers stop in to attack the candy jar and sit and visit for a while - about their students, about their teaching, about their struggles, about their personal lives and struggles.  I miss building them back up when they were torn down - seeing the postive.  I miss them asking my advice and asking for strategies or suggestions.  I miss TALKING to people.  I miss LAUGHING at work.   I miss the FAMILIARITY.  I miss having those very people at the time I needed them during the last month to offer me hugs, love, and kindness.  Now it's only through emails, texts, and the occasional get-together. 

Am I regretting my decision to move schools?   HELL NO.  I KNOW it was the right thing to do and that I am at the right place for me to learn, grow, and stretch myself professionally.  I just didn't know it would have such a personal effect on me as well.  This new place has a WHOLE different feel to it - hard to describe.  The air is more positive, less threatening for people in general.  The focus is more academic and teachers rise to the high expectations (put forth by themselves as well as by the school.)  They work well together (for the most part) and there seems to be great camraderie amongst them - less bullying.  They've been together for many years.  They have a shared leadership philosophy and open-door meetings - all of them.  There is no secrecy, no one person doing most of the work/planning/decision making.  There is no intercom going off during the day for ANY reason (a world-difference from the old school).  Academic instructional time is valued, highly protected, and you don't interrupt those classes for just anything. 

IT'S HARD TO BE THE OUTSIDER.  My room (huge) is not in a busy hallway so people don't typically walk by (nor stop in) nor do they have a reason to - they don't know me.  I think one of the hardest parts is RARELY seeing my awesome 2 specialists (Literacy and Math).  They are always in or running to classrooms, preparing for co-teaching, working with students, etc.  There is literally not even 10 minutes a day that we seem to spend together.  Two of us have lunch duty together, which I truely enjoy, but that's about it.  I eat lunch alone, typically, at my desk checking emails.  I don't have a set schedule, as the ELL dept. has tied our hands to several services we used to offer.  I'm to model strategies for teachers and work with language acquisition and work on compliance issues/paperwork like a secretary.  I don't think that the actual job description has changed much, but MY job has changed because I'm NOT doing all the 'other duties as assigned' things that I was at my old school.  It's thrown me completely off balance.  I hardly got to do ANY ongoing supportive ELL stuff the past 2 years because of all the administrative work that was piled on me (and that I volunteered for because in some sick way, I liked it!)  Anyway, here I feel like I'm out of the loop - it's just a matter of time to learn that I don't HAVE to be in the loop anymore!!! 

It just feels weird.  It's lonely. It's not satisfying yet.  I'm not good at what I do right now.  I have to give myself time to acclimate and realize that I'm reinventing myself - and I don't like her yet.  And I don't think there's many there who do...yet.  It seems like sometimes the things that come out of my mouth seem to have a negative or sarcastic tone to them and I realize it as I do it and kick myself afterwards.  I think that's why I separate myself off a little - to avoid doing that - I used to be positive, upbeat, confident, and effective.  I don't feel any of those right now.  I usually don't look forward to work each day...yet... and it bothers me greatly.

But there are some real blessings there.  My principal is LDS and her demeanor is so very different than what I've been used to.  I've appreciated her confidence in me, her consideration, and the chats we have every so often about churchy stuff.  The other blessing there is Cherese - the math specialist - who is also LDS, Katie and Alli's former 5th grade teacher, my neighbor at school and lunch duty partner.  I look forward to spending a little bit of time with her each day - she is upbeat, smart, professional, the kids ADORE her, the teachers respect her, the principal relies on her, and I needed her there.  She was so kind to me during the ordeal with dad's news and checked in on me each day.  We've had some good discussions about life - she's seen her share of grief and that has made her so compassionate to others.  It's helped me to see her experience some rough times or reactions to things - so I know she's human!  She's the one I'm most comfortable with and I only wish we got to work together more.  I wish she could know the real me.  I'm not there yet.  I miss the "power trio" feel from the old school and am having a difficult time with the opposite.

SO... what's all this mean?  Let's see...

Having processed all that, I know this is the place I am supposed to be.  I know that it is going to be a great learning opportunity for me, just didn't think it would be this uncomfortable or sometimes painful - I guess I was due one.   I like what Sheri Dew said, "Challenges that tax our faith are usually opportunities to stretch and strengthen our faith by finding out if we really believe the Lord will help us."   I'm not typically one who has relied regularly on the Lord.  There, I said it.  I go in phases, spurts, droughts.  This life experience is taxing my faith and some days I see what I'm really, truely made of and other days I'm disappointed in my lack of faith, usually in myself.   I think back to the quote that helped me call for the interview here, "When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, FAITH is knowing that one of two things will happen...There will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."  I'm definitely not flying yet...I'm just trying to get my 2 feet on the ground each day. 

But I'm going each day, trying to find the positive, trying to find ONE person I can make a difference for, trying to find that confidence I know I once thought of as a nuisance.  I'm thankful for the few who reach out to me (that's not easy).  "Have I done any good in the world today" kind of thing.  Some days, I don't.  Some days....   I know this, too, shall pass and that some day I will feel a part of this staff, feel confident again, and feel like a contributing member.  I just wish I could wake up and it be that day already.  In all this, I am grateful for this trial and can't wait to see what I end up learning on the other end of it.

Wow - that was diahhrea at the fingertips - guts and soul.  Whew.  Gag.
 

Time Out for Chicks

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend "Time Out for Women" with my sister and sister-in-law, Helen.  Someone had a ticket to sell and I decided to take it - and am so glad I did.  Friday night we heard from Ardeth Kapp and John Bytheway - both were inspiring and comical, respectively, and had great messages to share.  We also heard from this singer (I think his name is Dallyn Vale Baynes or something like that).  He's played Phantom and a part in the touring company of Les Mis.  His voice reminded me of Josh Groban's and I really enjoyed his music a lot.  At a break, I got to meet him - I told him "You had me at Les Mis." (My all-time fav show!) 

Dallyn/Dallin somebody...great singer - played the Phantom!
I've GOT to find where I wrote his name down and look up his
music on iTunes

Saturday we heard from a Mom/Daughter duo about raising kids and staying sane.  They were pretty good.  Then we got to hear from Brad Wilcox - he gave pretty much the same talk he did at the single's conference here in February - but I liked hearing it again.  I've been reading his book on the Continuous Atonement.  In between the speakers was a trio called Mercy River.  They talked and sang and talked and sang - pretty darn good, if you ask me.  After lunch we had a speaker who was not as entertaining, nor was her subject, and I had a hard time staying awake... but her message was good about fighting pornography and safeguarding your homes from it.  But the crem-de-la-crem of speakers came last - a blind lady named Kris Belcher.  She had the entire theater in laughing hysterics telling stories she's experienced over the last 7 years since she lost her sight.  Things like forgetting her prosthetic eyeball when getting on a flight.  Her insights and faith were quite inspiring and motivating as told through the funny stories.  She was GREAT to end on.



Friends from Institute days - older, wiser, and still got it!
Carena, Kim, Me, and Missy



One of the highlights was running into old friends.  Amber and Ashley, Diane and Eryn, and many more.  I was standing in line for the restroom when a nice-looking Asian lady turned around - it was Kim - I hadn't seen her in 15 years!  Then on Saturday, I slipped out for the same reason and ran into Sadie and Michelle H.  Upon returning into the theater, Missy Mills jumps up and pushes me back out to visit - we talk every year, but I hadn't seen her in several.  We had a great time catching up and running into even more peeps from the past.  I saw probably 4-6 more people from my old Institute days, a few from my ward growing up, several from my current ward and stake, and others.  It was fun catching up and visiting and seeing how people's lives turned out.   The last time we all stood together, there was no way of knowing what our lives would be like 15 years later. 

Good friends - Sadie and Missy

 So, Time Out for Chicks was pretty good.  I don't have my notes right here to add some insights I gained, but maybe I'll do that later this week.  The messages all centered around HOPE and I enjoyed each of them.

MISC PICS

I dumped my camera tonight and found my staff development day photo-opps.



Staff Development Day
"Udderly" "Amoozing" Cow Theme



Co-presenters
Jan, Gina, Me, and Brittany

What a week for my Dad!

I'm not sure how to describe the past week except...whew - it's over!   My brave padre spent 3 entire days in the hospital trying to entertain himself through all that boredom.  Wednesday, my mom, sisters, and I spent the entire day at the hospital making sure my dad was being well taken care of during his procedures.  And he certainly was - EVERY person we dealt with was kind, considerate, and professional - it was truely amazing.  We enjoyed spending that time together - talking, reminiscing, worrying, laughing, joking, meditating, etc. but it was a very, emotionally draining long day! 

Kaity went and got her driver's license, so after I had returned that evening (I went home to shut my eyes for an hour or so), she was there showing her grandpa her license - proud as punch (both of them!)  I took him up some of his favorite snacks - Oreos, Peanut M&Ms, and Mr. Goodbar - to get him through the night/next day.  After work on Thursday I headed back over to visit with him for a few hours and enjoyed our conversations...until I started to fall asleep on him...a family trait/flaw...  He went home on Friday evening and was glad to be back home.

Today, to get him out of the house for a bit,  I had him come in and assist me in my office/room with some paperwork and inventory of testing materials.  It was fun to walk him around the building and introduce him to people I enjoy working with.  A number of them were my nieces' teachers way back when - he enjoyed meeting them and thanked them for their hard work with the girls - that because of them, the girls are smart and successful.  They enjoyed that hearing such great compliments.  My dad is such a schmoozer! :o)   I even took him out to playground duty/lunch recess and he talked about his own experiences with recess - games they used to play, bullying, etc.  It pretty much tuckered him out, so I sent him home to take a nap.  

It's been nice spending some quality time with my dad and getting him to share more experiences (like skipping Kindergarten and getting caught...)  I have a feeling we don't know the half of it..........  Speaking of stories...here's a little video clip from last Christmas when the kids got a Wii... dad had a little fun..... and I'll be in so much trouble for sharing it.....oh well!

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

I typically don't post very personal, serious thoughts, but I may from time to time here on out.  My dad has cancer.  He's had it for almost 10 years - a 'walking miracle,' the doctor said.  Our miracle we've enjoyed as if nothing was wrong inside.  The man is a stud - a talented, hard-working, perfectionist, creative, stalwart stud.  Right now, he's got cancer attacking his bones - the nerve of it.  And somehow, he's developed a large tumor in his liver and some stray stuff on a kidney.  Cancer knows no boundaries and takes no prisoners.   This week (on Wed) he's having some surgery to check things out - an "autopsy" he told someone mistaking it for "biopsy."  We've had a great laugh at that one!  But mortality and reality are banging heads right now and it's been a highly emotional week, culminating in a dark, lonely, heartbroken Friday night.  After a LONG, draining day of holding everything in while presenting to my new staff for much of the day, I headed home to face my feelings head on.  A friend called in the middle of my misery as if sent by someone on purpose :o)

Saturday, I had all intentions of climbing to the top of Griffith Peak - my arch-nemesis of the year - I am determined to reach the peak now that my hip is healed and before snow engulfs it once more.  I headed out with Carolyn, asking for some space to clear my head, be "at one" with nature, and to just have a chance to ponder life in general.  I was emotionally spent, which transcribed itself into my physical capability to put one foot in front of the other.  As I reached the 1st overlook  over 2 miles up and sat down overlooking the majestic vistas, I realized that THIS was not the mountain I wanted to be on that day.  I wanted to go to another 'mountain' for some peace and comfort.  So I told her that today was NOT my day to reach the peak and that I wanted to head back down and go home.  I showered and drove to the temple, through tears and worry.  Nothing grandiose happened there, except that when I walked in, I had no more tears.  It was a normal session.  I left feeling uplifted and at peace, though.  Since then, I've been ok.   I'm so glad I switched mountains.

Tonight my family got together for dinner and we enjoyed reminiscing about old times - old pets, old houses we'd lived in, dad trying to teach us the birds and the bees using our hamsters (it backfired), dad's obsession with Jumbo Jacks at Jack 'n the Box, and more.  Then we talked seriously about reality - what exactly the doctors have said and what we're looking at regarding Wednesday's surgery.  The sons-in-law gave him a priesthood blessing and then we pretty much said our goodbyes.  My sisters and I decided to go be with my mom at the hospital during the surgery since none of us would be any good at our jobs that morning.  We just have to wait and see what we're going to face.  My dad is in good spirits and looks healthy on the outside, says he feels no discomfort, and of course doesn't want us to worry too much.  Too bad that last part's not up to him! 

We're counting our blessings......