PREPARATIONS UNDERWAY
Well, a week of preparations has ended. I'm 85% ready for Monday - the first day of school. What does that mean? I'll spend a few hours in there tomorrow and be 95% ready. I can't explain very well this week of extreme downs and ups. I've not been teaching in a classroom for 6 years - that's a long time to get out of practice. I have spent countless hours in the classroom moving furniture, rearranging cabinets and shelves, trying to "move in" and remember where I put things, and TRYING to read up on the programs so I could begin planning what I'll actually DO in this organized room with 20-22 kiddos waiting on every word. I have done so many little, but time-consuming, tasks and walk around to other rooms with my notepad and add other things I'm missing to my list. I have forgotten how intricate all the details are...and do know that the more you prepare in advance...and think through routines, travel paths, etc....the better year you'll have. My room is very small and crowded, but I have 2 windows up high that I keep open and a door leading to the outside which I will enjoy a lot in the fall and spring. I am claustrophobic...getting more so as I age...and so the thought of being locked in a small room for 3 hours,... before a bathroom break is challenging! But it can be done with some bladder training!
A SNAG IN THE EMOTIONS
Anywho... Tuesday was my day to have a meltdown. I worked out at the gym with Justin at 7, did my last "Willpower and Grace" aerobics class at 9 (I'm going to really miss that class!), went to Kari's for a while to help design her new bedroom, then showered, went to the dentist and...uh oh...quiet, peaceful, sappy music, and I start to get weepy - the pressures and self-doubts began to make their physical appearance. I made it through the appt and to the car before some light waterworks all the way to my school. I snuck by the office ladies and into my room, thinking I was unseen, when a friend/colleague, Michelle, came in to visit for a minute. I thought I was doing ok masking my breakdown, but she asked if everything was ok and I just said that I was overwhelmed right now and would be better tomorrow. She then gave me a hug and said some nice things that touched me. She barely knows me, yet I felt her genuine concern. She left, I sat in my chair and enjoyed a few more waterworks for a few minutes. Then left, sneaking out. I was just feeling like the world was crushing in on me and that my life as I knew it was going to change drastically on Monday...until June...aarrgghhh. Michelle and Shawn texted me that night and I was touched. I decided to go to bed early...waited for the sun to at least drop most of the way before climbing into bed. Tomorrow's a new day - the first contractual day back - summer was now completely a memory.
MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED
Wednesday AM, our principal did a GREAT kickoff and brought the staff back together as a family and motivated us to keep on treading through all these drastic district/state changes together. She told us to SIMPLIFY and to collaborate as much a possible. She showed these different "Go for the gold" olympic story commericals and got us all teared up as well as had us play some "Minute to Win It" games throughout her presentations. I'm so grateful for her leadership and trust in us. She has created a unique climate in our school and I hope she NEVER leaves! We got to work in our rooms/plan with our grade levels most of the rest of that day, all of Thursday, and today. I am feeling more comfortable with them, although feel like a new teacher and kinda 'behind the 8 ball' sometimes because of not knowing the programs we teach very well. I'm just going to have to take it day by day.
WHERE CAN I TURN FOR PEACE
I went to the temple last night for some quiet time and peace - to rest my brain for just 2 hours. I have felt the difference today (Friday) all day in to tonight. I have so much to be anxious about, but I am as calm as I've ever been. I enjoyed planning with the girls (grade-level peeps) and visiting with Cherese about what it feels like for us to go back to the classroom. I'm so glad she's still here and can empathize with how I'm feeling. Later on, about 4pm, my boss Pauline came in and visited for a few minutes. It was so powerful that I wanted to record some of it so I can come back and read it in the future to gain strength!
THE METAPHOR IS EXPOSED
Pauline asked how I was feeling and I said "eerily calm." She let me ask some questions about grading, about lesson plan requirements, etc. and about getting Gina to help me implement Readers and Writers Workshop next week - co-teach with me both all week, if possible (yeah!) I explained my downfall as a self-critic as a teacher (brought on when I was a mentor teacher who had to observe and give feedback...I now critique in my head as I'm teaching...my brain gets soooo tired!) and my concern about keeping up with the girls (what I call my grade level...) She looked at my wall at a picture I have of me at the Sun Gate at my first view of Machu Picchu and asked me how I felt when I reached that view (the one at the top of this blog). Then she asked me if everyone made it to that view - was it at the same time or different times? The point was, we hike at different speeds and abilities, but we all eventually end up where we need to be - our destination - whatever that will be. I may not "hike-teach" as fast or skilled as the other girls right now, but they will cheer me on, offer me assistance, until we all celebrate reaching the end view.
The funny thing is...that whole entire hike in Peru was planned in mind to be a metaphor for me going back to teach in the classroom this year - my fears, my training, my anticipation, my step-by-step sometimes pace, my excitement at the views along the way, the reaching the final destination and the exceptional way that made me feel. If I could endure and succeed on that most difficult hike, then I can have the will, talent, endurance, perseverance, and motivation to endure what hard paths come to me this year in the classroom. I have to have patience with myself, take it day by day or even hour by hour at times...step by step. Sometimes I'll have to dodge mule crap or cross a bridge over unruly waters, or have my lungs burn and heart beat out of my chest in the altitude. But my trail will open up again to easier roads, beautiful views, and fantasic experiences...and it WILL REPEAT over and over. I made it 28 miles in just over 3 days with NO blisters. I can come out of this school year unscathed, too. That's my goal. Just relate the everyday challenges of this year to my hike in Peru. Maybe I'll even celebrate ending the school year by returning to Peru to hike it again!
WE ARE FA-MI-LY...ALL MY TEACHER FRIENDS AND ME
Tonight I enjoyed a BBQ at Dawn's with my Priest family friends. Kelly is moving to Washington - the 5th to move away in just a few months. I can't keep losing friends like that to distance! Anyway, it was fun to get with my comfortable friends to help each other laugh and feel better about the rough week we all seemed to have to different degrees. I met Carina at a gas station on Thurs morning on the way to work because she called so upset and just needed my hug that I was no longer down the hall ready to offer whenever. It felt good to help someone feel just a little bit better...and I realized that I needed a hug from a friend like her just as much. Jody, from the office, has been struggling since Dawn moved 2 weeks ago. They'd worked across desks for 15 years. Jody texts me in the mornings...I think for some of my smart-aleck funny remarks or just some sweet reminders of how strong she is. It feels good to help others feel better and you can't possibly walk away without feeling much better yourself. That's what I miss about Priest. I gave that out and I received it back. It took 7 years to build those relationships. I need to give Bunker some more time and be patient in trusting new people and build new relationships. It's definitely NOT "out with the old, in with the new." I'm so grateful to retain my Priest friends. And I will miss Kelly, like I do Megan, Annette, Christina, Stephanie, etc. etc. etc. Thank goodness for Facebook and blogs!!!!!
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